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Sexual abuse can be anything from groping to rape. It’s when someone says or does something sexual to you when you don’t want them to; in other words, it’s all kinds of harassment and assault that have anything to do with sex or that are directed at your sexuality.
Sex is a common, and most often a good, part of a relationship, but being together doesn’t mean you have the right to each other sexually. Sometimes there is an uncertainty about exactly when sexual activities become what we call sexual abuse. Where the line goes is up to the individual, and is about your own experience of feeling exploited and that you are no longer doing something because you want to. If you think the person you’re with is doing sexual acts without caring if you agree or not, then it is an assault and sexual abuse.
It’s important to remember that different people react very differently to sexual abuse. Some people “freeze”, in other words they shut themselves off or disconnect during the assault. As well as this, the body can still become aroused, for example by becoming wet or having an erection during an assault. In a relationship where you are repeatedly being abused you might end up just wanting the “assault to be over”. One strategy might be to “get it out of the way” because you know it’s going to happen anyway sooner or later, and if you can at least take control over when it happens then you don’t have to be afraid while you’re waiting for it to happen.
Examples of sexual abuse:
- Touching you with their lips, fingers or sex, even when you say, or show in some other way, that it doesn’t feel right.
- Forcing you to touch them with your lips, fingers or genitals, even though you say or show that it doesn’t feel right.
- Doing something sexual to you while you’re drunk, under the influence of drugs or asleep.
- Exposing you to risk by refusing to use a condom or other protection against sexually transmittable diseases or pregnancy, maybe even tricking you into believing you’re having safe sex.
- Taking sexual or intimate photos or films of you when you’re not totally happy about it.
- Spreading or showing a sexual or intimate image or film of you to friends or strangers, or posting them on a porn site. Even if you didn’t have any objection to the image or film at the time.
- Putting pressure on you, or forcing you to watch porn when you don’t want to.
- Feeling forced into “going along with” sex, maybe to calm down someone who is aggressive and intimidating or violent. It might also be having sex with someone who won’t take no for answer.